In 1811, the year before he got his ass kicked out of Russia, Napoleon decreed that the Dutch would have to register their names. And so they did, which made it much harder for their sons to escape being used as future cannon-fodder.
The Dutch, among the greatest saboteurs in the world, never believed that the names would stick once Napoleon would have been beaten, something they devoutly hoped and sincerely believed. They treated it as a joke and thought up some pretty weird names. The mildest of those names are like de Keizer (the Emperor); the most outrageous one I know is that of Mevrouw (Mrs.) Truus Fokke-Pijpers, a lady who ran a bar around the corner where I used to live in the Hague (to drop a name, Vincent van Gogh used to live in the same Assendelftstraat. No doubt in one of the abounding attics.)
Many times, the names were taken down by a French official who would not have understood them; but the Dutch representatives of the French government often must have been in on the joke, as well. Dutch is full of double entendres anyway, viz. "double Dutch".
As so often happens, when Holland was freed the French decree was kept on the books and people had to stay with those names. And still do. Under present Dutch law, one of the reasons you may change your legal name is because it's "ridiculous or obscene [onwelvoeglijk]". But even then, you have to pay the Person €226.98 (August 2002).
Even dogs get obscene names in Holland: How would you feel if they called you "Fikkie"?
Names below are in alphabetical/lexicographical order, following the Dutch convention. Keep in mind that the way they are now spelled in the USA and elsewhere may be different. For example, Vandermolen would be found under Molen (van der), where you would also have to look for Van Dermolen, Der Molen, Van de Molen, van Molen, Mullen, Meulen, Mulder and what have you (they all mean Mill or Miller). Just subtract syllables like van, de, het, der. And mind the spelling; the Dutch have a habit of spelling especially ei as ij, eij, y or ey and even e or ee. K, ck, kk and c or a, aa, ae can also be tricky. "Y" often is "ij", look underAs "Afrikaans" (Dutch South-African) and "Vlaams" (Belgian Flemish) are members of the same family, funny names of that ilk are also on this list. Belgian even formed part of the Netherlands under Napoleon and later; not that the Belgians liked it.i.
You may sometimes want to give them the benefit of the doubt; I left out names like "From the Mountain" as they might be legitimate and not necessarily referring to the Mons veneris (even though there is not one real mountain to be found in the Netherlands, they do call hills that). On the other hand, why are there so many more Eikels/Oaks around than other trees? Makes one wonder. The oak is considered a holy tree wherever it grows, but the Dutch do use the word "eikel" abusively; so I put it in.
Just don't read them all in one session.
Know more names that should be on the list?
Thanks.
| Aalmoes | alms |
| Aanstoot | offence |
| Aarsen, van | ass |
| Aarsman | arse man |
| Alleman | everybody |
| Anders | differentNext! What's your name?— Anders. |
| Antersijn | Anders zijn = to be different |
| Baardemaker | beard maker |
| Bal | ball |
| Bangeman | scared man |
| Balen, van | of the sack, but also of the scrotum, and also disgusted |
| Baren, van | from waves, but also having been born |
| Baselmans | man from Basel, but also drivel talker |
| Beerman | bear man, but also muck man |
| Beest | beast |
| Bef, Beffers | muff diver |
| Bestebreurtje | best little brother |
| Biervliet | stream of beer |
| Bikker | eater, chipper/scraper, but also pimp |
| Bilsik | buttock beard |
| Bilstra | buttocker |
| Bink | hunk |
| Bloot, Blöte | naked |
| Blijleven | merry life |
| Boef | scoundrel |
| Boorder, Boorsma | from the waterside, but also driller - uhuh. |
| Bok, de | billy-goat |
| Bos | wood, or bush |
| Braak, Brakel, Braakman | fallow, but also puke |
| Bras | carouse |
| Broekman | man with pants, but also "from the morass" |
| Buren, van | neighbor, also by/of/from neighbor |
| Burger | citizen |
| Cannegieter, Kannegieter | jug caster, but also pourer |
| Casembroot | Kaasenbrood |
| Cliteur | Not a Dutch word; Latin or Greek to me and then frenchized... |
| Cruijsen, Kruisen | from the cross, but also crotch |
| Darm | entrails |
| Dekkers | breeder, but also thatcher, slater |
| Dicke, Dieke, Dikke | the thick one |
| Dingemans | man of the thing; also what's-his-name |
| Dobbelsteen | dice |
| Dolman | madman |
| Do(o)deman | dead man |
| Donders | thunder, also ass |
| Doornenbal, van | thorny ball |
| Dorst, van | of thirst |
| Dronkers | drunk |
| Eennennaam, van | a name |
| Eijkel, van de | from the acorn (=glans) |
| Eikelboom, -stam, -stronk | oak tree, stem, trunk (acorn=glans) |
| Elk | any one |
| Engel | angel |
| Engelhart | angel heart |
| Florijn | florin, guilder |
| Foppen | to fool somebody |
| Focken, Fokker, Focking | breeder, breeding- uh huh also foresail and by analogy, big nose |
| Fukkin, Fukkink | breeder, breeding- uh huh |
| Geil | horny |
| Gein, Gijn | fun |
| Geld, van der | money |
| Gelt | sterilized pig or cattle |
| Geltdekker | either servingsterilized pig or cattle, or, using sterizilized animals to breed with just might mean 'thatching roofs for money' |
| Guitink | joker |
| Gevangenis | prison |
| Gier, de | vulture or liquid manure |
| Godschalk | rogue of God |
| Goedgenoeg | Goodenough (also used in English) |
| Goor | filthy |
| Graaf, de | count |
| Grol | joke |
| Grootepunt-Borsten | big point-breasts |
| Grotestam | big stem |
| Haarbos | hair bush |
| Haas | hare Mijn naam is haas, My name is haremeans I'm getting out of here, fastor I wouldn't know a thing about it |
| Haren, van | from Haren town, but also from hair |
| Hartog, Hertog, de | duke |
| Heilig, Heiliger, Heyliger | (more) holy |
| Hellenberg | hell mountain |
| Helman, Helleman | man from hell, devil |
| Hendryx, Hendriks | Jimi didn't look typically Dutch, but his last name still is |
| Hengel, van | fishing rod |
| Hengst | stallion |
| Hetebrij | hot porridge (pussies proverbially turn circles around it) |
| Heyden | pagan |
| Hilbrand, Hillebrand, Hollebrand | hellfire |
| Hoenderdos | chicken plumage, but in Afrikaans chicken shit |
| Holman, Holleman | man from hell, devil |
| Hond, de | dog |
| Hoogmoed | pride |
| Hork, van de | uncouth guy |
| Ickx | I(=)X (for foundlings) |
| Ietswaart | worth something |
| Jeuken | itcher |
| Jongen, de | boy |
| Jongepier | young guy, literally young worm (young Pierre) |
| Kaal | bald |
| Kaasenbrood | Cheese and bread obvious spoof of nobility name Casembroot |
| Kaasjager | cheese hunter actually, a guy who towed barges with cheese through canals - but mind Kaasschieter |
| Kaasschieter | cheese shooter |
| Kakbergen | mountains of shit obvious spoof of nobility name Hakkenberg |
| Kampen, Kampenaar | from Kampen Dutch equivalent of German Schildbürg town with legendarily stupid inhabitants |
| Keesen | son of Kees (Cornelius), but also fucker |
| Keesmaat | Mate Kees, but also fucking mate |
| Kerkhof, van | of the graveyard |
| Keizer, Keyzer, de | emperor |
| Keizerweerd | worth an emperor |
| Kibbelaar | Quibbler |
| Kiers | Crack |
| Kip | chicken; spelled backwards pecker |
| Kleinendorst | small thirst |
| Kleingeld, Kleinpenning | small change |
| Kloot, Kloots, Klootsema | ball |
| Klungel | clumsy clod |
| Knaap | Boy, spec. virgin |
| Kneepkens | Pincher |
| Koekoek | cuckoo |
| Kots | puke |
| Komtebedde | come to bed |
| Koning, de | king |
| Kont | ass, not cunt |
| Koopziek | buying mad |
| Kortleven | short life |
| Krabben, Krabber, Krabbe, Krabbé | scratch think crabs |
| Kroes | drinking mug, but also curly (hair) |
| Kruis | cross, crotch |
| Kruishaar | cross hair, but also crotch hair |
| Kruk | crutch, but also bungler |
| Kuis | chaste |
| Kwaadvlieg | mad fly |
| Kwaaisteniet | not the worst |
| Kwakkernaat | cunt (or ass) with cum |
| Kwakman | cum man |
| Kwast, van der | painting brush (=penis), joker, jester |
| Kwenie | don't know (dunno) |
| Lam | lamb, cripple, but also drunk |
| Latten | lath, but also to fuck |
| Leeflang | live long |
| Lidteken, Litteken | scar |
| Loermans | leerer might be Leurmans, vendor |
| Lonkers | ogler, leerer |
| Lustig | merry |
| Maagd | virgin (female) |
| Man, de | the man |
| Mannetje, 't | the little man |
| Marsman | man from Mars? no, it's peddler, hawker |
| Meiden, van der | of the girls |
| Mens | human |
| Merkies | marquis |
| Mijnheer | mister |
| Minnen, van | of love |
| Minnaar | lover |
| Mooi | beautiful |
| Mosselman | Mussel Man, Muslim |
| Mostertman | mustard man The Dutch proverbially wonder where Abraham got his mustard-seed (but the guy may just have sold mustard) |
| Naad, van de | from the seam, crack |
| Naaijer | sewer (not the draining type), but also fucker |
| Naaktgeboren | born in the nude |
| Naterop | on the crack [op d'r naad] |
| Natte | wet one |
| Nederbos, Nederhof, Nederlof | nether bush, garden, leaves |
| Netelenbos | nettle bush |
| Neuker, de | the fucker |
| Niemandsverdriet | nobody's sorrow |
| Niks, Nix | nothing |
| Oldekeizer | old emperor |
| van Oort | from a place |
| Ossenkop | ox head |
| Overrijp | over ripe |
| Paalstaander | pole stander "ik sta voor paal" - I'm shown up as a fool |
| Paal, Paalman | post or pole, man of the polePalenalso means to fuck |
| Paalvast | sturdy post |
| Pater | priest |
| Pardon | pardon this one is pretty risqué, as of course the word is French |
| Paus, Pous, de | pope |
| Pegels | money |
| Penninks | coins |
| Penseel | artist's brush, Kwast |
| Persoon | person |
| Pestman | plague man, pester man |
| Pief, Pieffers | guy mostly rare pief - weird guy |
| Piel, Piels | prick |
| Pielkenrood | red prick |
| Pielstroom | prick stream |
| Pikkema | son of a dick |
| Pikkemaat | prick pal or sailor, mate; or, possibly, prick measure |
| Pijper(s) | cocksucker of course it also means piper/flutist, like those aboard ships, or like the Pied Piper; think piping hot |
| Poepjes | poopoo |
| Poot | (animal) leg, also fag |
| Prick, pricken | to prick |
| Prins | prince |
| Proost | cheers! |
| Quak | cum, fancy spelling |
| Quaden, Quaaij, Quaed | bad man, angry man (fancy spelling) |
| Quast | see Kwast |
| Ram | ram |
| Reet[h] | crack, seam |
| Rijke, Rijkers | rich |
| Rip van Winkel | |
| van Roeden | of the rod |
| Roemer | rummer |
| Roes | (drunken) rush |
| Ronde | round man |
| Roovers, Rovers, Roverts | robber |
| Rotman | you'll never guess |
| Rotteveel | rots too much, rat too much |
| Rovers | brigand |
| Rugghenaath | back crack, very fancy spelling |
| Rukkers | jacker |
| Saat | seed, also sperm |
| Scheijdt | shit, fancy spelling |
| Scherpbier | tart beer |
| Schuurbier | barn beer |
| Siepelman | seeping man |
| Sipkes | sad man |
| Slegte, de | the bad one |
| Slijm, van der | from the slime |
| Smachten, van der | yearner |
| Snelleman | fast man |
| Snetselaar | who knows... there's no such word but sounds obscene to me |
| Snikkelson | prickson |
| Soetekouw | gourmet |
| Spanbroek | tight pants |
| Stam, van der | of the stem |
| Stamper | stamp, pound - uh huh |
| Stokman | stick man |
| Suijkerbuijk | sugar belly |
| Tam, Tammeling, Tammenga, Tamminga | tame, but also prick |
| Teelen | breed, breeding- uh huh There exists at least one couple Even-Teelen, do a quick breed |
| Tering, Teerink | consumption, also tuberculosis |
| Treuren | mourn |
| Treurniet | don't be sad |
| Troost | comfort |
| Turk | Turk |
| Uilemans | owl man (stupid) |
| Uitdeketting | loose from chain |
| Uitdenbroek | from the swamp; also pants off. |
| van Unen | van Oenen, fool |
| Vader(s) | father |
| van der Vat | of the barrel |
| van Winkel (Rip) | |
| Verlaat | delayed, but also not an onverlaat = varlet |
| Verwardt | mixed up |
| Vette | fat man |
| Vijzelman | pestle man - uh huh |
| Voorhuid, van der | from the foreskin |
| Voos | rotten, lewd |
| Vorst | monarch, also frost |
| Vreugdewater | joy water |
| Vries, de | Frisian The most common Dutch name. Many Jews seem to have taken it. (The Frisians are well-known for their outstandingly developed noses) |
| Vrijer, de | lover |
| Vrolijk | merry |
| Vruchtwater | amniotic fluid just possibly fruit juice |
| Weltevreden | well content |
| Werp, Worp, van de | from the litter |
| Wild, Wildeman | wild, wild man |
| Wilhelmus | also title of national anthem |
| van Winkel (Rip) |
A well-known character in American mythology. This is sheer pedantry... I happen to knowthat Rip is not a Dutch name at all. Nor is it a German, Deutsch, one. It's mostly spelled Winkle, but no German or Dutch would ever spell it other than Winkel. (Remember The Third Man?   Vinkel... Doktor Vinkel.) Which means angle, but also shop— I guess it would have been the Shop on the Corner. Aw, it's just a story. |
| Wormgoor | filthy worm |
| Worst | wurst, sausage |
| Wulp, van der | kind of bird, but also lewd |
| IJsendoorn | thorn of iron, maybe thorn of ice may also mean thorn to be scared of |
| Zieleman | man with a soul |
| Zoetbier | sweet beer |
| Zoetelief | sweetheart |
| Zondergeld | without money |
| Zonderland | without country |
| Zondernaam | without name |
| Zondervan | nameless |
| Zooitjens | rubbish, mess |
| Zoontjens | son |
| Zuurbier | sour beer |
| Zwartkruis | black cross or crotch |
| Zwetsloot | blether ditch |
| Zwijn, Zwijnen | swine |
I will keep adding more such names as they come up. This is not so boring, I think.
If you know any names I missed, please Thanks.
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